Angela Lansbury Speeches and Making Speeches

My first mentor was Indra who taught me to use props. 

Problem
A boy was killed by an allergic reaction to cheese at a school in England. Police are investigating whether another pupil deliberately flicked cheese at him or even pushed it into his mouth and down his throat.

This would not have happened if pupils had all been taught not to tease or disrupt others.

First consider:
1 It is a sign of ill will.
2 An attempt to get attention.
3 A distraction from group school work and friendly activities and friendship.
4 Ignorance of the possible severity of consequences.
5 It destroys friendship.
6 it takes up the time of parents, school staff and police investigating incidents.
7 It damages the reputation of the attacker.
8 It stresses the victim and the witnesses, both pupils and parents, school staff and prospective pupils and prospective pupils' parents and prospective teaching staff and administrators.
9 If schools don't already they should have a list of school rules and reasons to include:

Possible Rules For Schools and/or Pupil's Own Perusal or Family Conduct
I do not tease.
I do not mock.
I do not bully.
I do not touch another person's property.
I do not take school property.
I do not respond to bets nor dares.
I do not deface nor take signs.
I report accidental damage and apologise.

Why?
I might endanger another person.
I might distress another person, their family, school staff.
I could waste the time of pupils, parents and staff.
A joke could be very expensive if anybody has to buy another item.
I could damage the reputation of myself, my family, the staff, my school.
I could cause others to take revenge.
I could be denied a place in my favourite class, sports activity or school.

Long term results of gaining a reputation for being a nuisance:
You might not be taken on a school trip or holiday.
Teachers might refuse to take a school trip or holiday.
The school might close because pupils are removed by parents.
Interfering with food could cause somebody else to die.
Interfering with fire alarms could cause people to ignore them in a real emergency and die.
If you do naughty things at school and get away with it you are likely to be copied by others and to continue to do so at college.
Your bad reputation might stop teachers from giving you a good reference for your first choice college or your first job application.
Your bad reputation at college could stop other parents investing money in your parents' business.

Stories
1 When our son was at school his elderly and frail grandmother bought him a new laptop for his birthday. Other boy or boys took out part of it so he could not use it. As a result he was distressed. I as a parent was distressed. His grandmother was distressed.

Later, computers went missing. The boys who took parts of others' laptops were suspected. ((The culprit turned out to be the boarding school caretaker. This was found out when somebody went back and the item had gone missing when all the boys were out. A member of staff went around the whole building and found the missing laptop in the basement to which only the caretaker had access.

However, the point is that those who took small items were later suspected of bigger thefts.

The caretaker was not suspected. Why? Because the frequent minor thefts by school boys led staff to think the thief must be one of the boys trying out small thefts to see if he could get away with it.

Years on I feel hostile to his former schoolfriends, staff, and the school, and decline to give the money to any appeals by or for old boys or the school because I feel they did not set rules and could not be trusted. Even if I were to decide that I am being unreasonable, I would still have a gut feeling, an instinct to keep away and not get involved.

2 When our son was at university another pupil set off a fire alarm for a joke on a regular basis. Eventually our son discovered who it was. He did not tell me the name of the person because I threatened to write to the college. Besides, neither he nor I could not prove who it was.

After our son had left college, I was asked if I wanted to invest money in a business connected with one of his friends.

I asked, "Was that pupil was one who set off the fire alarm? I do not want to be involved, if it was him and his family."

If I was not told categorically that he was not the person involved, or I was told that nobody could be sure who it was, I would simply not trust anybody my son knows from that era.

3 I have read numerous stories of people taking selfies and doing dangerous things. One boy in Singapore died jumping over a barrier onto what looked like a marble ledge. It was merely painted. It was not strong enough to bear the weight of a person although it conformed to architectural legislation. The friend who was going to take his photo was also going to do the same thing next. Even if it had taken the weight of the first person, it might not have withstood the weight of two.

4 At a party somebody sat on a table. A table does not take weights designed by chairs which support people. The table was strong enough for one person. However, when he pulled me onto his lap, the table broke. This cost us money in offering pay. The host had to live without the item which could not be replaced. We paid for a gift. The gift was probably not as much as the cost of buying not one table but a next of two or three tables. I am forever uncomfortable. Maybe the host was not comfortable with us.

5 A woman in Wales left her child in a parked car on a slipway. (Reported in an online newspaper 20 March 2018.) When the mother came out of the building, the car was gone. She thought the car had been stolen with the child inside. That's one possible bad outcome. Another is that the animal or child interferes with the handbrake. the sad outcome was that the car was found under water.

The morals are:
1 School pupils should not touch other people's property.
2 You do not bully.
3 You do not dare others to take risks nor take risks yourself.
4 You only stand on surfaces designed for people to stand on them. You don't take risks. You only sit on chairs designed for people to sit on them.
5 Do not leave children or animals in parked cars.

Schools should have lists of actions pupils should take, and actions pupils should not take.

Useful Warning Websites
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5520049/Girl-three-rescued-RIVER.html#reader-comments

Angela Lansbury, author, parent, tutor, teacher. Please share links to your favourite posts.

The first time I gave this speech at Harrovians Toastmasters on Monday May 15, 2017, I just clomped around pretending to be in men's shoes. The part of the speech people most enjoyed was my climbing about wearing imaginary men's shoes.

When I gave the speech the following Thursday, I thought, 'I should have brought with me a pair of men's shoes. Too late.'

On the other hand, there were men in the room wearing men's shoes. Several were unsuitable, white trainers, not what actually happened. I had been given a pair of men's large black rigid office shoes.

So I went up to the Toastmasters of the Evening in the middle of the speech and asked him, 'Can I wear your shoes?'

One person in the audience suggested on the feedback form the 'Evaluation Slip' that it would be better for me to have brought the shoes with me.

I thought that actually asking a man who was reluctant to help to take off his shoes and give them to me, would be more like the real situation. It was more realistic. More absurd. And funny.

The video doesn't show the positive reaction of the audience. Afterwards, the Table Topics master told me, "People were crying with laughter!"




Angela Lansbury, CL, ACG.

"Taxi!"
I'm going to tell you
How to hail a taxi in Japan and Singapore.
How to talk to a taxi driver in Singapore.
How to find a taxi in Cambodia.

I could sum it up:
1 I could say, you hail a taxi in Japan and Singapore like this:
2 I could say be positive, that you tell a taxi driver how much you admire Lee Kwan Yew, who is dead.
3 I could tell you just let your hotel order you a taxi in Cambodia.
But that would not be entertaining. So I'm going to tell you three, personal, entertaining stories.

1 HAILING A TAXI IN SINGAPORE
In England you stop a car by standing in the road and raising your hand like this. Don't do that in Japan. they don't stop for pedestrians.

BECKON
In Britain and the USA you beckon, with the back of your hand towards the approaching vehicle or person.

PAT
Not in Japan or in Singapore. You make a motion as if patting a dog.

2 TALKING TO A TAXI DRIVER


3 TINY TAXI
The best taxi I had was at the airport in Cambodia. The taxi driver met us at the airport and insisted carrying both my wheeled bags across the car park, across a second car park, across a third car park and out into the street. I thought, he's going to hail a taxi. Or walk all the way because the taxi has broken down.

I demanded, "where's the taxi?"

He pointed down the road. "Here it is?" We walked towards a stretch limousine. I thought, I hope it's not that. It'll cost a fortune. We were met by one at Heathrow returning from our honeymoon. We thought it was a treat. It was a mistake. We spent weeks trying to prove we had not ordered a huge and hugely expensive car.

Behind it was past a big Mercedes. I thought, maybe.

Then a small rusting car with a missing wheel. No, it won't go.

SMALL, OPEN-SIDED
Finally, he stopped beside a motorbike pulling a cart; a rickety rickshaw big enough for two large midgets. It had a flapping canopy and open sides you could fall out of if you didn't cling on when it swerved around a corner, overtook at an angle, or did a quick U-turn across six lanes of traffic..

PEELING PAINT
The tuk-tuk is old and traditional. It looks romantic from a distance of half a mile. Close up you can see that the paint has peeled off.

"My tuk-tuk," he said proudly.
(Show picture.)

He hoists four suitcases up onto the back ledge, unsecured. I now have to climb in. It's a bit like mounting a horse. A kind of running board like we had on cars in the nineteen fifties. A ledge you have to jump over. A narrow seat. A post to hang onto. No seat belt.

ADS
Inside, you can see that the interior of the roof it is romantically covered with advertisements for restaurants and tours in much smarter vehicles, such as air conditioned buses, a funeral carriage, and the airline to fly us back to where we came from.
He puts on his helmet. It's good to know he will be protected, if he falls off. Although we won't be.

We rev off. We have lift off. That's to say, my hat has lift off. I can either hold onto the pole, or hold onto the hat. I have to put the hat in my bag.

My husband's baseball cap from Italy rolls away under a nearby bus. after the bus passes the hat must have disappeared and done a runner, or a roll into a nearby ditch, because it is never seen again. My empty water bottle, goes the same way, adding to the litter left behind by tourists in Cambodia.

I thought this is a joke. It's about four miles. Towed along behind a motor bike. he is a very good driver. He manages to overtake two lanes of traffic and pull in second before we were about to be hit by an upcoming coaches going in both directions in the fast lane. He avoids other tuk-tuks doing you turns, women crossing the six lane highway with water buckets on their heads, groups of primary school children in pairs holding hands, a crawling baby, who mother is towing two more toddlers, and a posse of teenage goats zigging across the road, giggling, playing dare.

The roads signs are all in Cambodian. We have no idea whether we are going to out hotel or being kidnapped because when we call to him he can't hear. He can't hear because of the hooting traffic, music from the restaurants we pass, the braying animals, the creaking of the tuk-tuk, the helmet. In any case he doesn't speak much English.

By the way, I spell tok tuts T U K T U K. Spell checker keeps turning it into T U T  T UTS.

There are hundreds of tuk-tuks in Cambodia. In Siem Reap there are no public buses. We presume that is to preserve the jobs of the tuk-tuk drivers. If you want to be a taxi driver, go to Cambodia. You do not need the knowledge. You can probably find a tok-tuk on its side in a ditch. All it needs is a couple of wheel, buy yourself a helmet and you are in business.

LOSING A TUK-TUK AND DRIVER
You might think I would be glad to lose my tuk-tuk driver. We told out driver we wanted to meet him at the Ankor Wat temple gate where he left us.

CAR PARK
He said he wasn't allowed to wait an hour. The police would move him on and sending him to a car park. He points to a car park. We exchange phone numbers. But our phone won't connect to the local phone network.He tell us we an ask any other tok-tuk driver to phone his number because tok-tuks are always losing their passengers. It happens several times a day.

The first time we came back, he was not in the car park. Even if he was, when we left him there were about twenty tuk-tuks. We could have walked along the line. When we came back an hour later, there were about two hundred tuk-tuks. They weren't even still. They kept moving around. Our driver, about five foot with a moustache and a black tee shirt. two hundred other drives with about five foot with a moustache, many with black tee shirts, disappointing, not hours, and others with different colour tee shirts, discouraging, can't be ours, unless he has changed clothing.

BUDDHA
The next time I lose a driver is near a Buddha. I say that I'll meet him near the Buddha. I go into entrance A. But it is a one way system. I come out of entrance B. Where is the Buddha. Round th road to the right. After tone minutes of running I read the buddha. No a tok tok to be seen. It is a different Buddha.  I ask if there is another Buddha. Yes, they enthuse, many Buddhas.

TRACKING AP
If you can sell a tracking service for a tuk-tuk, you'll be in business.
Tracking already exists for saloon car taxis in Singapore. In Singapore there's an ap. When you call an uber driver, the ap shows you the progress of your taxi along the nearby streets on its way to collect you.

The morals are:
1 Keep track of your taxi.
2 Photograph the vehicle and driver.
3 Establish the time when you will meet and the name of your meeting place.

-ends-
Angela Lansbury, member of Harrovians and HOD in London, England and Braddell Heights Advanced in Singapore.

Another Taxi speech
How to plan the perfect taxi trip to the airport.
1 PLAN TIMING
Allow extra time for potential delays
Taxi / Airport Transfer Disasters
    On the way to Heathrow airport we were stuck behind a funeral procession, the hearse and two more stretch black limousines, all doing under 20 miles an hour. In front was a marching band, a brass band, the Salvation Army. Their headquarters was just around the corner.

Taxi Success
   Luckily our driver was able to turn right into a handy slip road and zoom up parallel, then cut back into the road ahead of them.
   I imagined trying to explain why we had missed our flight, "We were stuck behind a hearse!" No need.

PLAN PAYMENT
Some countries' airports have fixed rate shuttles and taxis where you pay in advance and get a ticket. Look for these in Singapore and KL.

PLAN ALTERNATIVES TO TAKING TAXIS
London - Heathrow and step free
What is the alternative to an expensive taxi?
From London Heathrow there are underground trains but you need luggage you can pull along the walk to the station, along corridors and up and down steps. London also has some all night buses but limited routes. If you plan on using these, either definitely or only in case of emergency or delay, find a hotel on the route.

PLAN CASH FOR PAYMENT
Money
Money change for taxis at Heathrow is expensive. It may be cheaper to get money from a machine or from your bank, but you may need to order money from your bank a week in advance.

In Singapore when drivers change over (twice a day) the new driver often has no change.

PLAN TIP OR NO TIP
You do not tip drivers in Singapore nor in China. In fact it is frowned upon. Locals think you are queue jumping or bribing, being condescending, or in China they might lose their jobs for taking bribes. Australia also has a no tipping culture. People are paid a proper wage and do no expect tips.

You don't tip a bus driver or bus ticket collector in London.

In some countries drivers will be pleased to have American dollars. Some taxis take credit cards.

CONSIDER BEING A TAXI DRIVER
Could you be an uber driver? If you think it's not worth the money, the hassle, the stress, you might appreciate your taxi more.

Sorry, I have to go, my taxi's waiting.

To sum up, plan routes, payment, cash, tips and alternatives. Have a great taxi, or non-taxi trip.

Angela Lansbury B A Hons is a travel writer, photojournalist.

I gave a speech about Singapore Toastmasters Clubs to Harrovians Speakers Club on Monday May 9th 2016.
Toastmaster of the evening, Jayanthiny, had as her running theme, asking each speaker what they had learned in Toastmasters that they used outside Toastmasters.

I said: Earlier this year I went to a wedding in Singapore. I had prepared a speech in case one was needed. In the event, the bride and groom did not need a speech. They needed somebody to conduct the ceremony while it was still daylight, so they could be photographed in the gardens. I ended up performing a mock ceremony. Afterwards somebody asked, "How were you able to do that, unplanned, in front of a hundred people?" You know the answer to that: Toastmasters.

What do we do differently - and perhaps better - in England? We start by telling everybody to switch their phones to silent. This is done in some Singapore clubs but not all.

Then we tell them where to find the fire exit. This probably comes from the American influence. We also tell people where to find the toilets (which can be used in the break). In Singapore if somebody needs a toilet they mostly just wander out during the meeting and look for the signs. While you are speaking, they also wander up to the food table and help themselves to pizza or cake. And chat to other Toastmasters at the club, or on the phone.

Birthday Cake
Speaking of food, once club I went to served a birthday cake at every meeting. By the law of averages, of you have 24 members and 12 meetings a year, you are likely to have one or two birthdays at every meeting.

The meeting I attended had two birthday boys whose dates the organisers knew about. Just before the refreshment break, the Toastmaster of the Evening asked the birthday boys to stand on the stage.

The Toastmaster asked, "Does anybody else have a birthday? I put up my hand. I was invited on the stage with two birthday boys.  A cake was carried in with three candles . The lights were flashed on and off to show the candle and the audience sang Happy Birthday to you.

During the interval, we birthday boys and girls were the first to get a piece of the cake. Afterwards, the cake was shared by everybody.

Singaporean Certificates
Finally, if you go to a Singapore club to be a language evaluator (called Grammarian in London, England)or General Evaluator, you are likely to be given a certificate of appreciation. That's another idea we could copy.

I was seriously funny introducing the word oxymoron to a group of trainee speakers at a Teamsters International club in Singapore. I was asked to be Language Evaluator at a club in Singapore. Language Evaluator in the UK would be called Grammarian.

I chose as word of the day, oxymoron. I wrote it on the white board whilst waiting for permission to start.  I looked around for something solid to use as a ruler to keep my writing straight. I found a plastic A shape for displaying the word Language Evaluator was solid and straight.

The word oxymoron is a combination of the word O x y, meaning sharp, and moron, dull or stupid. An oxymoron looks like two terms which contradict each other but creates a new idea. Here are some examples:

o x y - sharp or point (spellchecker wants to change this to oxo)
Moron - from moros stupid
oxymoron
seriously funny
act naturally
jumbo shrimp
living dead
hell's angels
deafening silence
Microsoft works
open secret
plastic glasses
sleeping policeman
Military intelligence
only choice
working holiday
genuine imitation
v i r t u a l reality (spell checker wants to turn this into visual)

minor crisis
howling silence (book title by Catherine Lim)

The audience came up with more:
pretty ugly
Cold war
true lies

You can make up a sentence incorporating several:

It was an open secret that plastic glasses gave us only one choice, to call in military intelligence and offer them a working holiday.

More samples of useful information from
grammar.about.com

I have used the word Oxymoron at least three times in Singapore.

Monday April 18 2016 in Singapore at Brilliant Advanced.  In advance I suggested to the person who invited me to the club that we should ask everybody in the room to use the word in a sentence so they had the confidence to pronounce an unfamiliar word and got practise at least once, which might help them remember it later as they had heard it used about 20 times by the different members of the audience at the start.

So I was asked to introduce the meeting with word of the day and the introductions of members and guests.

I should have written on the whiteboard:
1 Give your name - loudly, clearly, slowly - spell if it's difficult, repeat your name
2 Your Toastmasters Club name / Guest/ where you found this club details
3 Use the word of the day.

Angela Lansbury, author, speech coach, speaker.

Here's a list of the speeches for which I won ribbons - maybe you can see why; also the ones where I did not - can you see why?

Recordings in my diary:

Certificates:
Participation:
Judge at  .. Saturday April 2nd 2016.

Recorded in Manuals:

Ribbons:
Best Table Topics: April 19 Tuesday evening at ACCA, 2016, accountants in Singapore (subject Favourite country to holiday - spoke about Singapore's Old Ford Factory WWII museums).
Francophone April 1st 2016.
Best Evaluator:2016
Best Speaker:


On club or competition agendas:

2016
Organising an event (wedding ceremony!)
1 Saturday Jan 16th 2016 at Botanical Gardens.
I am not qualified to perform a real ceremony but I performed a mock 'rehearsal' wedding ceremony outdoors on the Botanical Gardens bandstand where the bride to be planned to get married for the outdoor photographs for Andrew Whitney and Sharon Ng (now Mrs Whitney) when the officiant was late. About 100 guests according to the table plan.

Table topics bilingual club Bukit P a n j a n g 
I won best table topics ribbon
on
One Swallow doesn't make a spring.
I talked about counting birds for the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, annual bird watch in England every February. (How you count only two birds simultaneously to prevent over-counting one bird flying in and out. In winter you count only native birds which are in the UK all year.)
January 2016

Bison. I was language evaluator. I won table topics on weddings. Subject ? Be prepared. ?

Saturday 6 Feb 2016 at Toastmasters International Eurasian Club.
I won best evaluator, evaluating Carolyn Street-Johns.
I won best table topics. Question 

Second place International Speech Competition Feb 15 2016
Club Harrovians
Second place in Evaluation of Martin Doe's test speech Feb 15 2016.

You have to do that in order. Whatever I do, it doesn't work.

Afterwards a member I had evaluated, who sat next to me, said he would help me put my book on Lulu.com

Francophone Club at Cairnhill CC. 1st Friday of month. 2016 Friday April 1st.
Subject: You are in an accident, Somebody is dead and it's our fault. The other driver in tears thinks it's their fault. Do you confess? Answer: No, your insurance document forbids you to admit guilt. You await the police report.

(This actually happened to me.)
First I was passenger in a car which hit a pedestrian. I thought  the pedestrian was dead and my car's driver was at fault. The police told us the damaged hire car would be impounded and the brakes checked. If the brakes were faulty, the hire car company was at fault. Skid marks in the road, photographed by the police photographer would show the speed and direction of the car. The distance to the nearest traffic light would be measured. If the pedestrian had not crossed on a nearby crossing  9within 100 yards) but deliberately walked out in the road nearby he would be deemed to have caused the accident (walking in a forbidden area and without due care and attention).

On the second occasion i was driving on the M4 motorway in the slow lane when another car hit the back of mine. I though I must have been driving too slowly. Had I been looking at my phone - or was that several minutes earlier?

The driver of the tow truck which collected my car and dropped me off at the nearest station informed me that if the other car hit the back of mine the car which rear-ended me was at fault regardless. Even if my car was stationery, the car behind should have been at sufficient distance and speed to slow down.

See other post about my reply, in French. "I always think any accident is my fault!"
***
April 19 2016, Tuesday evening, accountants group, ACCA
(Not the other accountants group which is ISCA which I also attended.)
This group meets in Wisma on a high floor. I was met at Orchard MRT by area governor who helped me find the  passageway semi-circling anti clockwise from ION, along a passageway, then through entrance door at Basement Two, up in the lift. It's one of those high security buildings in Singapore where you can't even get into the toilets without finding the bottom to press to open the sliding door of your floor, then the door to the one cubicle seems to be locked so you think it's occupied. Eventually you go back in the break to eat, and find that the committee member has a key to the ladies and has to unlock it and there are two cubicles inside.

I was language evaluator and mentored a member doing a speech entitled Birds. I suggested she expanded her title to engage the audience what 's in it for me. The evaluator said the same.

WINNER OF BEST TABLE TOPIC at ACCA in Singapore, April 2016
At topics time the topics master had prepared eight topics. I waited whilst three guests spoke, Especially as Hock beside me kept saying, "Anybody who isn't on the programme to speak - this section is your turn." When we came to the fourth topic I was considering volunteering. The topics master said, "I've been told because of time this must be the last topic .." I immediately waved my hand.

The topic was, "What is your favourite country or destination for a holiday?"
"Singapore!" I shouted. Everybody smiled and laughed. The topics master or a heckler in the seated crowd asked, "Why Singapore?"
I considered whether to pick the Danish Seamen's Church I had visited earlier in the day, or the Old Ford Factory Museum about Singapore in WWII. With nobody from Denmark in the audience, little to say about the building, and unsure if anybody was Chrstian, I decided that Singapore in WWII would be more general interest. But did they already know it? I asked, how many of you have visited the museum. No hands went up. Just in case they were shy to say so, for fear of being asked, I reversed the questions, "How many have not visited it?" All hands went up.

"You should," I said. "It's free for Singapore citizens and Permanent Residents and only a couple dollars  or pounds if you are a visitor. It tells you about Singapore in World War II but six people could visit it and have a totally different experience. I went there with my husband. I was most interested in the plants used by people to eat in wartime and how coconuts were used not just for food but half a dozen other uses, such as oil for cooking, and burning the woody trunk and coconut shells to make heat for cooking. But my husband was interested in transport and how they used other products to make fuel for vehicles, and all the mechanical items, such as levers and tanks and boats.
I was also interested in the history. I'd always thought the Japanese demanded unconditional surrender by the Births because they were just being peremptory and ruthless. It turned out that the Japanese were in a hurry to get the British to agree to surrender (and disarm) because the Japanese were heavily outnumbered and as soon as the British realised this they might change their minds. A totally new view of history. ( I saw the red card for stop speaking and rushed to reach my conclusion relevant to the question.) Yes, Singapore's my favourite place. It's full of fascinating places to see - I and you haven't seen half of them."
Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, speech writer and performer.

At Harrovian toastmasters I am asked a 'Personal question'. Why do you wear such bright colours?.

1 It keeps me awake.

2 I get attention when I walk on stage.

3 I am remembered.

4 In Singapore when I was teaching English as a second language, the head teacher told me not to wear the same colour scheme each day and not to wear black and white but different colours each day.

(I'll expand on this later.)
Angela Lansbury author and speaker.

Music stand is set up with A4 notes. 
(Speaker staggers around stage swinging empty Mateus Rose bottle, and empty glass, pours out, nothing, holds up bottle, looks in bottle. Wipes eye.)

Leans against music stand which falls over.
Hic! Now you know why speakers are told not to drink, and not to rely on notes.
In vino veritas.
A drunk will tell you anything. But if you get drunk you won't remember it.
Dogenes said, what I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. You'll be glad to know that he died some time ago. He was an ancient Greek. He lived to the age of ...

Benjamin Franklin said, Wine is proof that' God loves us and wants us to be happy.
My friend Bill Dempster of HOD speakers, in Toastmasters international, claimed that Benjamin Franklin was referring to whisky.
As Mandy Rice Davis, famously said at a trial in London, He would say that, wouldn't he.
This, as you can see, is an empty bottle. I shall talk about the average drinker's view of an empty wine bottle and a drink, and a drinker.

First - the empty wine bottle
An empty wine bottle produces one of two reactions, positive and negative. I can see from your hopeful, puzzled, slightly disappointed face that you were thinking, first, "Why isn't it full, I was hoping to drink some!'

GREEN
Why is the bottle green?
To protect wine from the light. Light and heat ruin wine. So you store your best bottle of champagne in a dark cellar, or a wine cabinet in the unheated dining room.

CHAMPAGNE
Champagne is expensive. Watch out for fakes.
More so-called Champagne is sold worldwide than is made in Champagne. It used to be said that it was Prosecco. French similar wine is called Cremant. Italian Prosecco and Spanish Cava are good sparkling wines,.So is Asti. Spumante means sparkling. Same applies to all wines. How do you spot a fake. If the name of the country is wrongly spelled on the label, that's a giveaway. A woman spotted Chardonnay spelled with s instead of C. Another fake label had Austr(a)lian with the middle a missing.

Ordinary wine is made from grapes and unlike sparkling wine has no bubbles.

OLD and YOUNG WINE
Red wine comes from red grape skins from black grapes. Young wine is pale, white, pale pink if you add a few grape skins. Deep red if allowed to stay on the skins, and mature in the bottle.
Joan Collins said, "Age is just a number, Totally irrelevant. Unless you happen to be a bottle of wine."
Sometimes wine has been left too long, or got corked, and oxidised, and gone brown.


Second what's in the glass?
HOW MUCH WINE IN UNITS?
How many units in the glass?
Not enough. If it's a small glass, only 125, I, a woman, can have two, over a two hour lunch or a day. Most men are taller, broader, and metabolise differently.
Six small 125 cl glasses in a 75 cl bottle. Only three large 250 cl glasses.

For more details go to the website of drink aware.

Your second thought was: "Why is the bottle empty? You should not have drunk all of that on your own.'


How many drinkers are in an English audience? On a Sunday?
CHRISTIANITY  and WINE
Sir Thomas Aquinus said, "Sorrow can be alleviated by a good sleep, a bath, and a glass of wine."

In England, if I invite my Christian neighbours around, they are hoping for a drink.

In Singapore, if I invite my Christian neighbours around, they send a note of apology for absence, 'We are not allowed to drink on Sunday.'
In Singapore, Christians are converted by missionaries, and don't drink.

In England, Ireland, and Scotland, the average Christian person drinks. Most drinkers are nocturnal. You can see them staggering around the city centre on a Saturday night at midnight. Some have already gone home - to lie down.

If you wake up with a hangover, or headache, this is caused by dehydration. Or the memory of what you did. If you can't remember, ask your fiends. If they say they can't remember, you have good friends. If you have drunk more than you should you may wake up and see friends and family looking anxious.

Or you may see a nurse - or a policeman, with a breathalyser. In France the law says you have to carry your own breathalyser.

GREEN BOTTLES
You drink every week, drink communion. And all week you prepare for communion,  so you need to drink. Also you need something to confess in confession. Such as, Father, I've been drinking all week, everything except my last green bottle. There were ten green bottles hanging on the wall."

The priest says, "I remember them well. Didn't we have a good time! As a penance you must bring me the last bottle."

AVERAGE CONSUMPTION
Let's be serious. It's hard, but we'll try. The average English person drinks 20 litres a year. Take away all the teetotallers, children, hospital patients, Jews and Moslems, drivers, pilots.
That only leaves you and me. And the Bill. I don't drink that much. I told you that you were drinking too much.) (I told Bill he was drinking too much.)

Some drink more than the average, and some drink less than the average. You know what average means, a small number of non-drinkers pull down the average. The average person has 9.4 fingers, but the majority have ten. The average person drinks more than the average person.

This is a good subject for debate over a drink with the average person.

Where were we? Ah yes,

A drinker will think, "Why didn't you share it with me? A teetotaller will think, you shouldn't be drinking at all!"

I shall start with reasons why you shouldn't drink. Then why you should not drink too much. Then how to know what not to drink, then how to find out what not to drink.

Who doesn't know much about wine. Hands up. That was a rhetorical question. How many of you would like to know more? How many o you would like to know less? The first group are in luck.

Who are the people who don't know much about wine and don't drink much?

1 Those who are too young to drink. Not many of you look to young. Some of you are too old, but you are still drinking. Some say you are never too old to drink.

2 JEWS and MOSLEMS
Jews do not drink a lot. Though many rabbis have owned vineyards. The Rothschilds have owned vineyards.
You can buy a poster of Rothschild wine labels at Waddesdon Manor, a National Trust property, and see one in the Wine Society shop in Stevenage.
If you can't sell a wine, put a piece of art work on the bottle.
3 That doubles the number who buy the bottle. Some want to open the bottle and drink the contents. The others want to leave it unopened and put it on the shelf.

Moslems do not drink a lot. Often the owner of an Indian or Pakistani or Bangladeshi restaurant has a short wine list because the customers do not drink much wine or the owners do not know about wine.

The rule is, white wine with white meat or white fish and red wine, which has a stronger flavour, with dark meat. Sweet wines go with sweet dishes or desserts.

CHAMPAGNE BUBBLES
4 Champagne dates back to Roman times, It was used as a bubble bath at orgies when people swan naked in it. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures, and I don't have time to demonstrate. We don't have time to see if it's an aphrodisiac.

In the early days, in France, bubbles were considered a fault. Thick bottles had to be used to stop the bottles exploding.

PINK CHAMPAGNE
Wines have a fashion. At one time Veuve Cliquot would not make pink Champagne because it was drunk in brothels.
As the humorous playwright Bernard Shaw said of the Pope and birth control, 'Why would I listen to him. Either he doesn't know anything about the subject, or he shouldn't.'

This century the Champagne producers started making pink Champagne and it became fashionable for weddings. Pink became a summer drink. Either people had forgotten, or they remembered fondly but wouldn't admit it.

Napoleon said, "In victory you deserve it, in defeat you need it."
When Napoleon lost (at Waterloo), the Russians invaded France and pinched all the wines from Veuve Cliquot, as she watched them drinking her wine,
She said, stoically, "If they drink it free today, tomorrow they'll pay."

DON'T DRINK
We drink too much. Don't drink and drive.
Why?
Wine dehydrates you and gives you a headache.
It makes you argumentative. Don't argue with me.
There are five safety issues.
1You damage your liver, your stomach, your throat, you get mouth throat and stomach cancer and have heart attacks. Worrying about all this would give anybody a heart attack.
2 You have fights with strangers.
3 You lose your job.
4 Drink causes car accidents.
5 And increases the likelihood of your having unsafe sex. (Grins.) Hence, the song:
have some Madeira, m'dear. But, as
Shakesepeare said, "drink increases the desire but decreases the performance."

5 To sum up:
GOOD and BAD
Life is too short to drink bad wine. Nobody knows who said that first. But I said it first this evening.

Wine is good for me but it's bad for you.
Wine is bad for - your liver, and bad for your lover, you should drink to success but not to excess.

CORAVIN
If you have leftover wine, save it using a device called a Coravin, like cork and caravan. It enables you to put the cork back on the bottle and travel with it. Buy a Coravin from Harrods.

So, finally, you should not be drinking. If you have any bottles of drink at home, recycle them, by popping the cork back on, sticking them in your car, Campavan, or Caravan, and giving them to me.
Cheers!

Overmatter:
Designated decoy joke.

OOh - I'm scared of people! I always have been. From childhood. I remember when I was scared at school. Were you scared at school?
SCHOOLCHILD
   I was afraid when I was at school to knock on a classroom door, open it, and walk into a classroom full of people, the teacher, and lots of children like me.
   Let's go back. Were you afraid as a child to walk into a room full of people?  
   What frightens you in that situation? Getting lost. Going to a new place. Knocking on the door. See new people. Crowds of people. Being looked at? Speaking to other people? Or even just getting a letter?Are you afraid as an adult to walk into a room?
   Yes, I see several hands raised. You are afraid to walk into a room. Some of you are even afraid to raise your hands!
   As a child in school you were afraid to walk into a room. Or raise your hand. Looking back, you can see that it was nothing to be afraid of. You did it many times. You were not injured. Many times you even got welcomed!
ADULT JOURNEYS
  Are you still afraid as an adult? Ever been afraid to go to a new place? To a Toastmasters Meeting or club to hear a speaker?
  As an adult I have often been afraid. To take a journey travelling to a new Toastmasters meeting. To go to a new place and walk into a room of strangers.
 (Are you ever afraid to take a journey? As an adult, to walk into a room of strangers?)
   I see people turn the handle, enter the room, stop by the door after a Toastmasters meeting has started.  They stand to one side of the room, stand leaning back, hesitate to walk in, afraid to attract attention.
   Let's break down the problem of travelling to a new club into small steps.  Plan your journey. Look at a tube map.
   Check the time of arrival. Calculate length of journey. Allow for delays and getting lost.
   On the journey, if you are late. Plan your excuse. Phone somebody at the meeting.
    Arrival. Knock on the door. Easy. No need to go in. Just knock and wait and see if anybody opens the door.
 Somebody opens and says, 'Yes, what do you want?'
  If nobody opens the door, no need to go in, just open the door, take a peek!
   Nobody noticed you? Open the door wider.
   Still nobody noticed you? Wave at the speaker? Raise your hand to get attention and open your mouth to show you want to speak. Ask if you're at the right place.
   If told to go elsewhere, politely, thank, nod, back out. Job done, Somebody helped you.
SECOND JOURNEY
   Now you are doing the same task again. When you reach the right room, take the same steps again. This time it's even easier. You've already done it once.
   Knock on door. Open door. Ask, 'Is this such and such a meeting.'
   If they say 'yes', look pleased. Instead of a tale of woe: 'I've had such an awful journey!' Say: 'I'm so pleased I've found it.'
   Cheer yourself up. 'I made it. I'm so pleased to be here.' Spread happiness.
HOW CAN SPEAKERS HELP LATECOMERS
  When people arrive late at Toastmasters I know they've had a stressful journey, the stress of being late, and now have the stress of opening a door to a room of strangers. So I try to smile and wave and beckon and make them feel happy.
   When you arrive late, you worry about the speaker as well as yourself. You don't want to disturb them. So I try to reassure the person who's interrupting me. 'Yes, you've found the right place.'
   Every speaker should practise what to say when interrupted. And how to get back on track in the speech.
   In Toastmasters competitions we speak in front of larger and larger audiences, until the finals where money is as at stake, prizes and prestige, so to make it fair to everybody we make sure nobody is interrupted.
   In real life speakers are often interrupted. Latecomers. Transport passing. Interruptions of noise, delivery of food, messages about cars blocking the way, emergencies, members of the audience fainting. The speaker needs to be able to go back to where they were before the interruption.
 

   Many of you would be afraid to step onto the stage and make a speech. I can remember sitting in the audience hearing a well-known author make a speech and wanting to ask a question. my heart would go pitter pat. Every year I would go there. I often hesitated to raise my hand.
Sometimes you are afraid to go out. You've lost your job. You applied for another. The postman knocks. Or you hear a letter. Your heart thumps. You are afraid to go to the door.
    You go to the door. Nothing interesting. Next day you run to the door. Oh my God, my last employer's chasing me! What have I done wrong. Something's missing and they think I stole it.

OPENING A LETTER
Are you afraid of opening a letter or reading an email?
Pick up the letter. Put it on the table. Look at the back and front? Take it easy. No need to open it. Just get a knife and slit it open. Take the letter out. No need to open it. Spread it out flat on the table, upside down if you like. No need to read it.  Unfold it. no need to read it. Turn it the right way up. No need to read it. Who is it from? No need to read it. Just see who it's from.
   Ok - take a peek at the first line. Sometimes it's just a circular. 'We are holding our annual get together. Here is our annual report' Sometimes it's good news! You got the job. Remember my first employer  who sent the letter which scared me. They were sending me a cheque, refunding my pension contribution. My friend Indra opened a letter from The income tax office, returning some money, paying him.
SHARE YOUR PROBLEMS
   Share it. If you can't tell your family, tell the stranger at the bus stop. Tell them: 'I got a parking ticket.'
   They will probably reply, 'That happened to me - when was it, I think it was a year ago.'
  You see, in a year's time, you'll have forgotten all about it.'
  You say, 'I lost my job.'
   They will probably say, 'That happened to me - a year ago. Now I'm working in McDonalds. Why don't you get a job there.'
   Hello Mum, the bad news is I lost my job, the good news is I'm working in McDonalds.
   When I went to school on the bus, I used to pass a sign outside the church: 'I used to complain because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.'

SPEAKERS' MEETINGS
  You have only to open any newspaper to see what a wonderful life you have. Every night of the week you can go to a speakers' meeting. Most of them are free. (Except catered events such as parties and competitions when they have to pay to hire a room and provide catering and need you to pay your share.)
   In many small clubs in suburban areas there's no charge and they are delighted to have a visitor. You have a roomful of friends wanting to talk to you at Toastmasters. Free tea and coffee - and even a cake or biscuit.
   Most people want to hear you speak. They would rather listen to you than make a speech themselves.
   Yes, it's always the case. I'll prove it to you. The front row of seats is always empty. People sit in the row at the back. They are afraid to come in. They don't want the VIP speaker to look at them, ask them questions they can't answer. When you are on stage, you are already more confident than half the people in the room.
   Smile at them. Smile at them, make them happy, teach them something useful. One day you will win a ribbon, or a competition. I once the little girl who was scared to enter a room. I was scared of the teacher. Now I'm a teacher. I had never met an author. Now I'm an author. I was impressed by people who made speeches. Now I'm making speeches.
    I wanted to find somebody who would help me. I joined toastmasters. I wanted to win a speech competition. I know I can. It's only a matter of time and practice. In Toastmasters, like most organisations, every month newcomers join, others move away and leave. So, there's always room for you in a club. If the club is too big, you can start another club. You can't all become president of the United States. But you can all become president of a speakers club. If you haven't - yet - got the courage to do that, at least today you have learned how to open a letter.
    If you are afraid, then go to your nearest Toastmasters International meeting, for example, HOD, or Harrovian Speakers in NW London, or similar speakers training meeting - there are dozens in many countries of the world, especially all the English speaking countries such as Canada, Australia, New Zealand. Also countries where they are keen to learn English. For example, I've been to clubs in Shanghai and Beijing in China, and at the YMCA and YWCA in Singapore, and Thailand. And clubs are all over the USA, where Toastmasters International started before becoming so successful that it spread worldwide. I and other speakers will be delighted to help you.
   Remember I started by saying that I'm scared of people. It's true - I'm scared you haven't enjoyed this speech enough to vote me the winner. But I no longer let it stand in my way. Why should I let anybody stand in my way?  I've never let my husband do it!
   After speaking at a meeting, I can go home and say, I met somebody else. In fact I met fifty people. And they all listened to me.
   You see, being a speaker isn't scary, it's fun.
  So don't just like me, be like me! A winner! Thank you.

More Information from
Toastmasters International Find a club
Harrovian speakers
HOD Speakers