Angela Lansbury Speeches and Making Speeches

Speech Draft And Suggested Revisions

I sent the first draft of my funeral speech to Gil at HOD Toastmasters, a very experienced speaker. She said, 'Don't I just say that Pearl was happy, but give concrete evidence, for example, that she always smiled, or told you that she was happy.'

After the funeral, I carried the printed version of my funeral speech to show to those unable to attend.  I was hoping to find corroboration of what I had said, or further facts and insights.

Pearl's Exercise Routine Corroborated

Pearl had told me, "I used to touch my toes." I was not sure whether she had shown me once, or whether I had imagined it.

Sharon, a manager of Heath House, care home, said of Pearl:

"When she first came in she used to show us how she could touch her toes - and all her exercises."

There was my evidence.

Drinking In Moderation

Sharon read what I had said about Pearl not drinking except for a glass of sherry. Sharon said,

"She used to have a sherry at the Blue Check restaurant (where residents would have an outing for lunch on Wednesdays). She also had a sherry here. (At Christmas parties)."

"She told us about her (late) husband David. She said he was a good man. And that he'd been a hairdresser, and barber. She remembered a lot about the past. She answered the questions in quizzes.

"Yes, she loved music. She liked the tambourine you shake with your hand inside it and it lights up in time with the music. As soon as she heard music she lit up. She made residents happy with her singing.

"The turning point was her last fall. She had two falls in quick succession. But she'd recovered from her earlier stay in hospital. She was strong. She was a fighter.

"She was always talking about Anthony, who used to come and take her out on Saturdays in his car. At first I thought he must be her son. Then I realised he was her grandson.

Pearl's Friendships & Socializing

Pearl's son, Trevor, said: "When she lived over the road at Home Cedars, she had started refusing to mix with the other ladies downstairs. (She became reclusive.) Then after she moved into Heath House, where she knew nobody, she was really keen to see her old friends and invite them over."

Pearl's Sister Darling Daphne

I mentioned, "Pearl kept the photo of her late sister Daphne in her room. Pearl stayed friends with Daphne's widowed husband's second wife, Ruth, the step-mother of her nieces. Ruth, Pearl's sister in law, a dark-haired lady, used to visit Pearl here."

Sharon remembered, "Yes, I remember Ruth coming to visit Pearl."

I said, "Ruth had worked at a hospital. That's where she met her husband."

Pearl's Brother-in-Law Ken
Trevor explained: "Ken was an orderly at Slough hospital, like Ruth. He just worked in the hospital, never travelled overseas by plane. He'd been a rear-gunner in the war (WWII). Rear gunners were at the back of the plane and enemy aircraft pilots would approach from the behind and shoot at them at the back of the plane. Rear-gunners had a life expectancy of two weeks."

Pearl's Carers
Another member of staff said goodbye to Sharon and as she left, patted Sharon's arm. I had noticed how chatty and cheerful and tactile all the staff are. I suppose you have to be that type, ready to help the elderly to walk along the corridor, take their arms, help them out of their wing armchairs, back into high dining chairs, or into their beds, reassure them.

Pearl had been in the Nightingales care home for nine years.


Where To Spend Retirement

On the way home, we discussed where we would like to end our days, You could sell your home and holiday on cruise ships for ten years, with all the food, cleaning, travel, company, drinks between meals, and doctor and hospital on board. Even get buried at sea. Or live in a hotel.

Coping With Other People's Alzheimer's
You have to be very patient to deal with people who need to be persuaded to come to the table to eat, and go to bed. Who keep repeating the same questions. Who can't remember your name.

Compared to some of the inmates who ended up shouting non-stop, sat sullenly, or did nothing but hug a doll, Pearl with her smile, dancing and singing must have been a delight, relatively speaking. I am sure the care home staff are genuine when they say, "We will miss her."

Sharon sighed and said, 'I 'lost' four people last weekend, in addition to the six between Christmas and the Monday when Pearl died. But there's a waiting list, the rooms will soon be filled again." For the staff at Heath House, the daily duties of caring for those who need care will go on.

If you had to go into a care home, judging by the way they cared for Pearl, I would recommend Heath House. I am happy that Pearl spent her final days amongst such caring people.

Yesterday I gave a speech at my mother-in-law's funeral. I thought it would be useful to both me and you to write down immediately afterwards the successful parts and suggest any changes which could be made.

We had three speeches at the funeral,
a) one as an introduction by the official conducting the ceremony,
b) a second by the deceased's older son,
c) the third by me (the deceased's daughter-in-law, a speaker trained in Toastmasters International speakers' clubs).

The official asked us to send him our speeches:
a) So he could be sure we had prepared.
b) So he could be sure to allow the right amount of time for each speech.
c) So he had a duplicate in case we forgot to bring it.
d) So he could take over (with a typed copy he could read) if the speechmaker was overcome with either emotion or nerves.

He had met us in a coffee shop to discuss what we would say. We had a thirty minute slot at the crematorium. The various crematoriums allow different times. Fifteen minutes or half an hour. You can have double time if you pay extra (and if the bookings that day allow it). We opted for half an hour rather than fifteen minutes since somebody always arrives late and they could then miss the entire event or delay it.

He sent us his schedule for the half hour. We had selected opening music and ending music. You can have serious organ or orchestral music and a 

dress code of black.

We ended up with two main speeches of five minutes. We had a tiny amount of leeway. You can play the ending music longer, or cut it short. I think the minute's silence is unnecessary.

My speech draft opened: 'The only reason there aren't more people here is that Pearl lived to 98 and outlived everybody.' 

My First revision added on the end of the sentence 'of her generation'. 

My Second revision changed it to 'One reason ..., ' 'the other is that her successful family are now living all over the world - and we have received messages of condolence from x and y.

Useful Websites

Pearl's 90th Birthday Party
 Pearl's 90th birthday celebration on Sunday Ocober 10th was a great success, although she said she was too tired to go out to lunch or dinner and simply wanted to stay at home for tea. I drove to Morrisons supermarket to look for a birthday cake. The only decorated cakes were footballs and kiddie cakes. But I was delighted to find a delicious Thorntons toffee cake topped by tiny dice-shaped pieces of fudge.
 I was talking on my mobile phone to my son Anthony who was in Tesco and he selected the largest traditonal iced fruit cake with marzipan, meant to be the lowest level of a wedding cake, with a nice flat surface to decorate. I purchased Happy Birthday to go on top, plus the numbers for ninety. I discovered and could not resist twisted candles and candles shaped like champagne bottles.
So that we did not overload on sugar, I stocked up with some savoury snacks: including falafel (fried chickpea balls), taramasalata and chopped herring.
   I drank orange juice. (Not enough vegetables for the five portions a day, which should be seven. Later when I got home I made freshly-squeezed orange juice and ate melon.)
On Saturday I had bought the best and most beautiful bunch of flowers, pinks and purples, containing perfect roses and cute carnations and dramatic giant lilies. We had enough flowers to fill two huge flower vases and the perfume wafted across the room creating heavenly aroma therapy.
Relatives from overseas (Steve and Tami) sent more flowers including cheerful yellow sunflowers.
Pearl brought out a box of photos, large wedding photos, hers, her mothers, family certificates, the barmitzvah certificate of Trevor, her younger son, the graduation of her older son, his first graduation. 'He was at Southampton and then Oxford, and then became a professor,' she said proudly.
'They wouldn't put him in for the eleven plus! So David sent him to a private tutor. Then he want to the poly and passed his exams and went to uni. Here's his exam certificate.
Anthony said, 'Lots of people succeed in life and business without passing school exams.'
After another think, Anthony asked, 'Why did you think pasing the eleven plus so important?'
Pearl explains, 'They didn't have Comprehensives in those days. You needed to get into grammar school, so you could take O level exams, and A levels, and go to University.'
  Pearl continues, 'We went to the parents evening and they said he knew the answers but he didn't put his hand up.'
   We hear this twice. I accept it unquestioningly. But Anthony puzzles over it.
'If he doesn't put his hand up, how do they know he knows the answers? From his written work? What does it matter whether he puts his hand up?'
Pearl tells the story again.
   Eventually Anthony queries, 'But the eleven plus is a written exam. Why does not putting your hand up affect going in for the exam?'
   I say, 'Because when you go to enter the eleven plus, even if you pass, they give you an oral. I think I was good at English and I was expected to pass so I had my interview at the Grammar school before I got the results. Or was it afterwards? Maybe there were two interviews. After the exam, the headmistress told my mother my maths result was low but the English mark was high and pulled me up, which is very common with girls. Maybe you get offered a conditional place. But if you are too shy to talk, and you don't get given a provisional place, there's no point in taking the exam.'
Anthony is still not convinced.
Now neither of us understand the logical leap between Pearl's stories.
Neither does Pearl.
   But as far as she is concerned, the point of the story is that despite that the school was unhelpful. They helped their son. He proved his parents were right to believe in him. The facts are, that they were told that their son Stephen would not succeed, but they got him coached and he took his exams at the Poly and became a professon and a prize-winning author and a great success.
However, we are all still puzzled.
   I took pictures of us and of old wedding photos to make up This Is Your Life for a big family party when relatives come from abroad later this month.
   I was disappointed not to go out for a meal. I had wanted to go to Friends Restaurant in Pinner which has a Michelin star and is our family's favourite but it is closed until Tuesday.
   However, Anthony's Granny did not feel up to going out and said several times that she had had a great time, 'I shall tell everybody I had the most wonderful tea party'. She insisted on giving me a couple of the flowers 'because you brought the tea'. And the next day she phoned to thank me.

Here's This Is Your Life
Pearl was born September 10th 1916, in the middle of The Great War. It was not known as WWI until WWII.
   Pearl thought she was named after her paternal grandmother (shown on the far left of the wedding photo of her mother Sarah Geduld to ... Houtman in 1915).
Pearl's grandmother died in 1916 before Pearl was born. But family records show the grandmother listed with a different name.
   Pearl shrugs and waves her hand, dismissing my objection: 'It doesn't matter.'
Pearl's sister Daphne was six years younger, so when Pearl was a teenager she had her mother's undivided attention on the day when their dress shop closed for the half day and they went out for tea to a glamorous hotel. They started with gateaux.
   Pearl remembers how when she was aged about fourteen, in about 1930, her mother took her shopping in Selfridges, bought a squirrel fur coat, and then said to the assistant, "Do you have one to fit my daughter?"
  Pearl was thrilled to receive such a grown-up costume. And to march proudly down the road with her mother in mother-and-daughter outfits.
  Pearl's mother had married in WWI. Pearl's wedding took place during the next world war, WWII. The date was March 25, 1940.
  Pearl had an ice cream wedding cake. Her mother ordered it from Cadby Hall. "She knew the manager. She probably served his wife in the shop."
   I dutifully write this down. Recording it for posterity. Before my memory can lose the information or change it.
I ask her whether Cadby Hall was in London.
'Yes,' she says, 'It's still there.'
A moment later she adds, 'They have premises all over England. Cadbury, the chocolate people.' I query, 'White chocolate, in the cake?'
'Yes.' A second later she says, 'The cake was made by the ice cream people. What's-it's name?'
'Walls?' I speculate. 'Lyons?'
'That was it. Lyons.'
Pen poised, I pause and I query this. 'I thought you said the cake was made by Cadbury's?'
'Whatever.'
Later, as my son Anthony drives me home, we try to pool our thoughts and sort out the facts, but come to no conclusion.
   He shakes his head, 'When I was trained at school and university to interview older people, no-one warned me about this. Nobody ever prepares you for this sort of confusion. You are told to expect that most of the public will tell you the truth but sometime they will tell you lies. One or the other. But nobody says that perfectly willing and honest interviewees will give you two completely conflicting accounts of events.'
   I added, 'Or that they often contradict themselves within the same sentence!'
We don't care. We have hysterics. We share the same sense of humour. The hilarity, the absurdity, of this family trip, or trip up, down memory lane, has been a major part of the day's entertainment.